Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Is it Wednesday already

Wow it's already wednesday. I spent the last two days in migraine hell. That's what I get for reading non stop. Since my injury and surgery I can count the migraine free days as a rare occurrence. I've had my eye prescription checked twice, I've had an mri or mir or whatever it's called, and there's just no answer. If I don't take breaks after a couple hours reading It feels like my left eye is three times it's size and it's ready to explode. The pain lasts for three + days sometimes. My injury is on a pressure point, I remember when I used to get just a regular headache I used to massage my hand directly on the same spot. Now it seems to be causing them. That's probably a contributing factor to my weight loss. Have to force myself to eat just so I can take meds. Migrains and upset stomach, now there's a diet plan.
I must have sent out 20 resumes today. To make up for the week I didn't do anything. I hope I don't get any calls, I'm just not in the mood.
I was doing all kinds of things to get my mind of my pain. I started a wine kit that I bought about three months ago. I cleaned. I went to Ikea-I can't remember why exactly it was necessary to go there, it just seemed like a distraction. Oh year, I remember now - i was in dire need of picture frames. Now there's a place everyone contemplating children in their future ought to go on a Monday at 2pm. Yikes who would of thought it would be so noisy at that time of day. Isn't that supposed to be NAP TIME. Well I feel almost normal today. I'm afraid to start reading though. Maybe it's just the barometric pressure, maybe it's the carnage in the middle east. I should make a note of disasters and my migraines.Hmmmmm. There's a thought.

I used to have the most amazing dreams of wierd things and sure enough the very next day it would be on the news. I remember the first time I noticed it. Three things happened three days in a row. And I saw the news bite in my dreams the night before on each of them. The nineties were particularly bad for that for me. But that hasn't happened for a few years now. Thank god. I'm pretty sure my family thought I was nuts. They looked at me kinda funny if I ever brought it up. I often wonder if anyone believed me. I should ask them. I wonder if my headaches have gotten stronger since then. Geez the things one should keep track of. It's just too much for me. What do you do about a premonition when you don't even know it is one, until it's happened. It's just these wierd people you don't know or these events that don't make any sense. Until eight to twelve hours later.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Late Nights

Well I finished Too Close to the Falls by Catherine Gildiner. I was up till after 3:30 am reading it on Friday/Saturday. Then spend Saturday morning finishing it. Growing up in the 50's is always a good read. I ordered this from the library (that's right-ordered I have a great library at my fingertips. Any book I'm interested in, I just click away and if they don't have it, they order it. It's as simple as that. In the past four years there has only been two times, that I couldn't get the book I wanted and that was because they were out of print) because I was reading Seduction, but I just couldn't get into the story. The characters were boring, the theme was boring, the story unbelievable, it just sucked, but that was only the first 1/4 . But the writing style very good,(can't think of any other way to describe it) so I pulled the authors name up from the library. To see what else she had written. I think that the first book of any author is always superior to the second. This is the case with Goldiner as well. Though many people Have told me they enjoyed "seduction" I was told to "perservere" "you'll enjoy it". When I have a pile of 20 books on the stairs, I'm not in the mood to "perservere" . If a book doesn't catch me after a couple chapters, forget it. It gets thrown and the next one (and there is always the next one) gets the nod. I should never start reading a new book in the evening. I should know better. But my husband was out of town over night, my daughter was out -doing I don't know what. I wasn't used to being alone at night anymore. I just changed the sheets on the bed, opened the window - it was a pleasant evening, but nothing to do. So I grabbed the next book from the pile. After reading The weather maker I was hoping for something a little lite. Hmmm it's about the 50's. I always like to get other impressions of the 50's. My 50's/60's had to be the most uninspiring, boring ,uneventful era in 4000 years of history. I spent those years thinking/hoping I was adopted. It used to annoy me when people said me and my sister looked like twins. My sister had a great life, my brother had a great life, but poor me in the middle was miserable. I used to fantisize about being an only child. My sister - first born, my brother - first boy. Life seemed to revolve around the two of them. I was just invisible. It was always if my sister didn't do this or that, then why did I have to or want to. I wanted piano lesson, my sister refused to even consider it. She looked at me as though I was crazy. I wanted to be a figure skater, blah was my sisters response. Instead I got stuck playing softball on a team (to this day i despise team sports) because my sisters team was short a player during a tournament and I was FORCED to play or else they would have to forfeit. I hate softball. I always had to wear the same style of clothes as her, the same shoes as her. My mother used to force her to take me whenever she went out with her friends, both of us hated that. Her friends used to beat me up and tell me to go home. I would have rather been at home reading a book. I hated her friends. I'm a watcher of the world, she was always a doer. Her birthday is a week before xmas, mine is in the spring. My parents always used to spend - what I thought at the time - lavishly on her presents. I remember one year I got a bike for my birthday, a blue ccm with a red basket. I was told to share. Because her's was an old used one and mine was a new one. How are you supposed to share one bike anyway. She never shared her old beat up one with me. She took my bike and smashed it over a pile of rocks at a construction site. Nobody said anything about it except me. When she was in grade eight she got a typewriter for her birthday. A TYPEWRITER I couldn't believe it. And I was told I COULDN'T TOUCH IT, LEAVE IT ALONE kinda stuff. It was time for pay back as far as I was concerned. My mangled up bike against her new typewriter. I went out of my way to type as often as I could whenever I was in the house alone. The typewriter had to be serviced alot. I don't think anyone ever caught on that It was me doing the damage. I remember the salesman telling my mother that "someone was being too rough with it" my mother such scoffed and said that was impossible. The carriage return was screwed, the keys were always jammed. She got to wear make-up first, I remember the shopping trip to pick out her make-up was such a big deal. The following year when I was in grade 8 , "why do you have to have make-up, can't you just wear your sisters". She was allowed to have a boyfriend first (we're only 16 months apart), she got her period first. She got everything first. By the time it was my turn, my mother had already done it with my sister, and it wasn't such a big deal anymore. I spent my adolescence in resentment. I remember my first job as my freedom. I could buy my own clothes, my own make-up, my own cigarettes. I bought a pistol style hair blower and everyone thought it was one of the stupest things on earth. "what a waste of money" . I had that hair dryer for more than 20 years. When I had three children to raise of my own I went out of my way to make sure there was no resentment, that they were raised different. They were raised as individuals with their own interests and wants. But you just can't win-doesn't matter when you do. I was telling someone (I don't remember who) that I didn't have to toilet train my youngest daughter that she did it on her own. We bought a camper that summer and went on a trip. I bought diapers at the beginning of the holiday but didn't need any at the end. I don't even know what happened, when it happened or who did what. All I remember is I stopped having to buy diapers forever. She wanted to be like the other kids and use the smelly outdoor toilets. She overheard me telling this story and to this day still brings it up as "you never spent the same amount of time with me as my sister and brother, I even had to toiletrain myself", that's the ONLY amunition she has. Well getting back to the book.....
I enjoyed it and now am on to the next.
Edward Rutherford's Irish Saga. It's been sitting on the stairs for about two weeks. I only have a week before I start paying fines on it. It's been calling me " look I am... read me" everytime I go up the stairs. But it's so BIG. And reading Edward Rutherford is such an investment because his books are soooooooooo good. I've really loved all of them. It's a book that you can't just start and stop, and get back to later. It's a read and read it all right now. So you can't have any plans, there better be wine and muchies in the house, and lots of leftovers. So since my husband is out of town until tuesday I figured nows the time to dedicate to this book. The only break I get is this (I came downstairs to make coffee. I finally went to sleep around 2am) and I had to let the dog out. I really should take a nap these late evenings are killing me. I haven't really eaten anything since Friday except pickles, jelly beans, wine, guacamole and potato chips. But I did make the guacamole fresh so I'm not that lazy. And between books yesterday I even made some blueberry jam. Even I'm amazed at that. But there they are sitting on the kitchen counter. Waiting to be put somewhere. It's the only jam I can make the only one that ever turns out is blueberry jam and apricot marmalade. That's the only two jams in me. So it's back to the salt mines I go. It's a nice day outside so I'll stock up my snack tray and pour my first glass of wine. I really need a more comfortable lawn chair. I never needed one in the apartment - the balcony was too tiny. But here I can see I'll have to do some shopping for outdoor furniture. I'll need two I'm tired of hauling the one uncomfortable chair from the back to the front for shade.

Friday, July 14, 2006

books i've been reading

Currently readingThe Weather Makers : How Man Is Changing the Climate and What It Means for Life on Earth by Tim Flannery

Wow tres' heavy subject.

I feel like I should take a pop quiz after each chapter.

I've read these in the last couple of weeks-you see, this is why I don't have the time or the inclination to go back to work. Where would I fit it in. Plus I've just moved as well, there's just no time.Nothing is in it's proper place it's going to take a bit to move things around. It's bad enough that my address adds up to a 7, but I also have a toilet in my prosperity area.these books are in no particular order,

Blue Angel : A Novel by Francine Prose

Blue Shoes and Happiness : The New Novel in the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency Series (No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency) by Alexander Mccall Smith

Company : A Novel by Max Barry

Digging to America by Anne Tyler

Mean Boy by Lynn Coady

Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky and Sandra Smith - best book I've read this year,heart wrenchingly sad ending the book and life could have been so much it in about 12 hours non stop.

Testament : A Novel by Nino Ricci-best book I've read this year. Recomment this one to all my overly religious friends and relatives. Bought a copy for my bible enthusiastic mother as a rebuttle for all our religious disagreements. I really loved this book

Raking the Ashes by Anne Fine - interesting, been there done that

Martha : On Trial, in Jail, and on a Comeback by Robert Slater - always been a fan

Rachael Ray Express Lane Meals : What to Keep on Hand, What to Buy Fresh for the Easiest-Ever 30-Minute Meals by Rachael Ray - My defense is that I was at costco, need I say more, although it's not a bad book. A little top heavy with pasta pasta pasta. I gave my copy to my daughter-in-law. I'm hoping next time I visit their pantry is improved.
A Most Uncommon Degree of Popularity by Kathleen Gilles Seidel - a little childish

The Martha Rules: 10 Essentials for Achieving Success as You Start, Grow, or Manage a Business by Martha Stewart - Great book I keep giving my copy away.


Cast of characters
Spouce - retired 2 years, triple by-pass, returns to work during summer months as per contractSon - newly married, lives out of province. See him once a year - maybe.
Daughter #1 - works in hospitality industry, with her boyfriend both work for the same company. He's her boss. Well at work anyway. She's in sales and marketing and he's head of functions and banquets. They also live together.
Daughter #2 - (she will be really mad if she ever learns that she is #2) works for daughter #1, currently screwing up her life by "taking a break" from university. I blame this all on boyfriend of daughter #1 (though he is a nice guy, and I do like him, it's just all his fault). Said boyfriend called daughter #2 and (she says )begged, and (he says asked) pleaded with her to come work a shift he was short staffed. Would she mind? Well daughter #2 (vowing she would never work in the service industry like her sister ugh all those stupid people one has to deal with etc etc) said "sure, why not-just this once". Well she loved it. She only had one year left in a four year degree. Decided that she liked business much better than history or geography and maybe "I'll just take off a year and try Business Admin". Besides this she figured would give her a break and also give her some solid footing if she ever had to freelance with her degree in geography. Made sense to me. That was in April. Meanwhile she paid for tuition that ended in April, but didn't really go to any classes or do any papers, nothing-basically screwed the last term. She was working to much and having to much fun with all the other servers and managers etc. Did I mention she lives with us. WEll her clothes are here on the floor in her room and her cat is here and once in awhile there are dirty dishes all over the place in the morning, but we never actually see her very often. That's because according to her, we are always here (since i'm not working and her father is retired). She never gets the place to herself. Blah blah blah. There's always the "get your own place" issue, but that would cost her money.
So we're all in limbo.Then it was decided that I was able to work again. Well I kinda got used to not working but getting paid. I don't know if I want to go back to work. During my time off I've lost 35 pounds, and none of my clothes fit. It will take way more energy than I have. I have limited use of my right hand and the use I do have is painful. But WCB seems determined. So this blog is for my venting and a diary of a fifty year old female changing careers.